Happy Anniversary! And A Few Thoughts On Marriage...

We all know there are tons of books on marriage, and I am in no way claiming to be an expert on the topic; however, I did take a little time yesterday and today (in honor of Scott and I’s anniversary) to reflect on my first year as a married woman.

If I shared everything I have learned, you’d die of boredom reading this post, so allow me to briefly share three themes that consistently surfaced during my reflection. (For some of my other thoughts on marriage, click here.)

Marriage is hard. Like, uh, really hard. What a disservice to friends and family to pretend that marriage (specifically, your marriage) is a walk in the park! It’s a walk in a park that is infested with poison ivy and free-ranging, man-eating lions. A bit dramatic, I know. But think about it. You put two different individuals together, with two different upbringings and two different perspectives on life, and put them under the same roof. Then, you add a dash of selfishness and a side of pride and you have a recipe for tough times. I understand that, as married women (or men), we walk through different seasons with our spouses, and some of those seasons are more enjoyable than others. Perhaps now you are in a season with your honey where you are experiencing great joy as you are learning to work through conflict in a healthy way. Perhaps you are currently in a season with your spouse where you are experiencing disappointment or hurt. Wherever you are—on a peak or in a valley—coordinating and sharing your life with someone else is just plain difficult. In my first year of marriage, I have had the opportunity to walk through several different seasons with Scott: good and bad, alike.


Marriage takes work. After considering point one, this should come as no surprise. Because we are marrying another individual, we must learn to understand their differences and compromise when necessary. Understanding and compromising do not come naturally. In fact, I would argue that quite the opposite is true. By nature, we have difficulty understanding and empathizing with ideas or values that aren’t ours. And compromising?! Compromising is for the birds. It’s my way or the highway! Right, ladies? So, we must learn to and work at these things. Scott and I love reading relationship books together (although, admittedly, we have been doing some serious slacking off lately), and perhaps my favorite thing to do when consciously working on our marriage is attending marriage conferences. We’ve been to three, and every time we walk away from them, we are so encouraged and motivated. You can read about our experiences here and here.

Marriage is rewarding. I love my husband. I have the privilege of waking up to my best friend every day. I have someone to parent with, someone to travel with, and someone to experience new things with. Life is tough, but I have someone to trudge the trenches with me, hand in hand. It doesn’t get much better than that.   

And, before I sign off today, let’s address the huge elephant in the room. For those of you wondering “has having a baby in your first year of nuptials made marriage more difficult?” My answer to you is “duh.” But it has also made it better than ever, too! Having a common goal—raising a strong, solid, and we can’t forget studly, man—is so fun when you have a partner to do it with!

Happy Anniversary, Scooter!

Ask and You Shall Receive

Ask and You Shall Receive

"So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.” Luke 11:9

Many of you who know Scott and me, or, if you have read our blog, Thirty Before Thirty (Four), you know that we swear by this guy. In our casa, Ramsey is a household name. We took his class together for the first time back in 2010, and Scott proctored the same class, Financial Peace University, at our church this spring. I won’t go into great detail about why we love him (you can read that here and here and here), but what I do want to share is how one of his lessons, “That’s Not Good Enough,” has been really helpful as we have transitioned from two incomes to one. Along with other great tips from this lesson (like the power of cash), Ramsey suggests that anytime you are making a purchase to ask for a discount or bargain.

We’ve adopted that idea, and for many of our larger purchases, we ask the service or retail provider for a discount. And guess what? Most of them agree! Here are a few things that we do when trying to save a few dollars:

·         Ask the seller and then shut our mouths. In other words, put the ball in their court. Ask open ended questions like “Are you able to help me?” or “Are you able to offer any sort of discount?” Then, be quiet! This shows that you are in control and not in a hurry to purchase.
·          Be specific. We try this if sellers respond to one of the above questions with a question of their own like “What’s your budget?” or “What kind of discount were you looking for?” Or, if they give us a blank stare that suggests “I can’t believe you really just asked that.” Scott usually does this in the form of percentages. Typically, he’ll ask for a 10, 15, or 20 percent discount (any more than that, and you can be borderline offensive). These reductions can be significant, especially if you are making an expensive purchase.
·         Be honest. Explain, without giving too much personal information, why you are asking for a price cut. This could be as simple as “I’m not willing to pay that.” In certain situations (like medical bills), you may need to give a few more details (“We’ve gone from two incomes to one.”).
·         Don’t respond right away if you don’t get the answer you want. By telling the seller that you need more time to think about the purchase, you are again showing that you are in control. We’ve found that by being patient, we end up getting very close to what we’d like to pay.

Since we have been asking companies for price reductions, we’ve saved a significant amount of green. When we moved into our house, we hated did not love the paint colors that the old owner had splashed on our walls. They were a bit ‘loud’ for Scooter, so in an effort to tone things down, we headed to Lowe’s to find neutral and less aggressive colors. Once we found our color babies, “Sautéed Mushroom” and “Mediterranean Sea”, the EXACT same colors Scott had in his old house (boy doesn’t handle change well), Scott asked the Lowe’s employee if we could get some sort of discount. The employee responded that if we signed up for the Lowe’s credit card (a HUGE no-no at our crib), we would receive a 5 percent discount. Scott then refuted, asking for the 5 percent without having to sign up. The clerk did not think he could do that, so Scott patiently said that he would think about it.

Scott and I slowly put some color cards back on the shelf, and wouldn’t you know it, not two minutes later, the clerk came back after “checking with his manager” and offered us TEN percent off of our purchase. Because we were painting our entire home, we needed a lot of paint cans, so that ten percent turned out to be the equivalent of one FREE paint can. Call me crazy for getting excited about saving thirty bucks, but, over time, our savings add up!

More recently, my window broke in my car, and we were quoted close to $600 in repairs. Scott initially forgot to ask for any kind of financial courtesy, but as we were driving back to pick up the car up, he thought he’d give it a try. By just calling and asking for a discount, the mechanic approved a 10 percent courtesy. Score. That saved us between $60-70.

I can ramble off several more examples (just last week, a friend told me that she was approved to have all of her medical bills written off and did so simply by making a phone call and asking for financial help), but I think you get the point. Asking for discounts can be humbling, but it is SO worth it. Even if you are told ‘no’, you can look at other places selling the same service or product. In this free-market, competitive economy, you are sure to find someone who will offer a little financial courtesy! It’s so easy, and the best part about it…no tedious coupon cutting involved (although I am interested in learning how to efficiently “coupon”…any coupon gurus out there?!).

And for all my blogsters, I want to leave you with this little treat (shared with me by a friend) called the Queen of Free. I recently started following her blog and have already scored a free iced pumpkin latte from Einstein Bagels AND a free dinner from Panda Express. #yum #um,awesome.

How do you all save money? What are your tips/tricks? Please share!

To Work, or Not To Work? That 'Tis the Question

There are some pretty standard questions that everyone asks a new mom: Are you getting any sleep? How are you adjusting? Does [insert baby's name] look like you? How is Baby eating?

Along with these inquiries, I often get asked if I am enjoying being a full-time stay-at-home-mama. Variations of this question look like this: Do you miss work? Do you want to go back to work? Do you think you will stay at home forever? Why are you getting your masters degree? Do you think you will ever use your degree? How do you balance school and being a mama?

My quick response is that, yes, I am loving staying at home with Hank. And, no, I wouldn't change it for the world. But, as more and more people ask me about school/working, I can't help but to process and really consider this legitimate question. Why am I getting a master's degree in public health? Do I really want to pursue a career in this field? Am I using my talents/gifts to their full potential by staying at home with my son? Is me staying at home, raising our children, in line with Scott and I's vision for our family?

There is so much to consider, and I feel like I need to be extra thoughtful and especially prayerful before I, along with my husband, make any decision for the future. I often times catch myself in an internal tug-of-war. Half of me couldn't imagine going back to work and leaving my son with another caretaker. The other half reasons that women take their kids to daycare all of the time, and they're fine. And who wouldn't enjoy some additional income? And, there are tons of neat, cutting edge public health jobs; the industry is booming.

With that said, here is where I am currently (physically, mentally, and emotionally):

Physically: I am a graduate student at Indiana University in the Public Health program. I began the program in the fall of 2009, and have been slowly...and I mean suh-low-ley...taking classes to finish my degree. When I enrolled back in 2009, I worked full-time for a dental office, had a new beau (who I somehow convinced to marry me), and had like uh, zero dollars, so a part-time curriculum worked the best for that season in life and has seemed to work well since.

I started out with a duel concentration (Health Policy/Epidemiology), but after taking a core class, Social and Behavioral Sciences, I was convinced that this was the path for me. Essentially, social and behavioral science professionals look at certain populations and attempt to discern why this group of people is making (or not making) particular health decisions. After identifying problems, a S&B worker may try to implement a program or system to help individuals in the group make healthier choices (i.e. smoking cessation programs in areas/neighborhoods where there is a higher incidence of men and women who smoke).

I am currently taking one online class. I knew motherhood would be a huge time commitment, and I didn't want to feel overwhelmed. Fall classes began just two weeks after Hank was born, so I was comfortable taking on one class with a professor who I have had before. My goal is to be finished with my degree by May 2014.

Mentally: Ya, back to that whole tug-of-war thing.

I LOVE spending time with my son, and I feel so blessed and privileged that my husband is supportive of me staying at home with our little guy. When I am around other women who stay at home, and who are great stay-at-home-mama's, I am encouraged and feel like staying at home with our kids is non optional.  I love that I am Hank's primary caretaker and love the challenge of shaping him into the boy, and eventually the man, we pray he becomes.

Furthermore, daycare is expensive. Like, really expensive. Had I stayed at my job at the dental office, the majority of my income would go towards daycare expenses (both directly and indirectly). We would not only be paying for daycare itself, but I would also be paying more for things like gas to get to and from my workplace. Recently, I was talking with one of my friends who pointed out that working mamas also may spend more on food because eating out seems like an easier option after a long, busy day at work (and, yes, I do realize this isn't always the case, but it is a good point to consider). So, in theory, staying at home saves our family money.

On the other hand, when I am around working women, or when I am engaging other students in my program, I feel like I would love to be back in the workplace. I like thinking critically and problem solving, and conversations with these people keeps me on my toes. We are in the midst of huge changes in healthcare in America, and I think it would be completely interesting and rewarding to land a great job in this field.

Emotionally: While I truly do find public health interesting, I don't know that I am necessarily passionate about it. I can honestly say that I have loved every single class I have taken for my masters with the exception of biostatistics (typing the word makes me cringe). But really, I just find topics like environmental health, emergency preparedness, and health policy so intriguing. However, I can't honestly say that I am so passionate about one of these topics that I would skip to work every morning. 

So, you may ask, am I passionate about staying at home raising Hank? Well, yes and no. I want, more than anything else, for Hank to have a fulfilling, enriching childhood. I want him to learn and grow, to be challenged and tested, and to experience grace and mercy. I think I could be a great teacher for him. But, if I want to be completely honest with myself, the thought of being (almost) solely responsible for upbringing is exhausting. What a huge commitment! And, naturally, I feel pressure to be successful.

Are you still with me? Have I bored you to death? Am I talking in circles? Ya, sorry about that. But, in the words of the great Natalie Imbruglia, "I'm Torn." Great song, by the way.

Here are some things that I believe to be true and that have been revealed to me over the last few months:

1. Being a stay-at-home-mama is one hundred percent a full-time job. There is value in providing for your family in this way.SAHMs are constantly thinking for their children, determining what their needs are and how they can provide them. SAHMs are their childrens' greatest teachers. They influence and shape their children. Most SAHMs also have other, managerial responsibilities like cleaning, scheduling (doc appts, soccer games, etc.), and cooking (I say most because if you know my hubs, you know that he is our designated custodian).

2. Working mamas are equally valuable and amazing. I have told Scott, on several occasions, that I am so impressed with women who are able to work full-time jobs and play the role of 'mama'. I know some women have found really great jobs that they love, so that could make things easier, and I know that sometimes circumstances do not allow women to stay at home. Regardless of the reason(s) some mamas choose to work, I am beyond amazed by these gals.

3. I struggle with pride. Let me be vulnerable. Sometimes, when I think about it, I hate that I am dependent (more specifically, financially dependent) on my husband. How jacked up is that?! He's my husband. We are a family, a unit, but, because of my ego, I hate that he is providing for me. As a result of my arrogance, I feel pressure to work and to have my 'own' income.

On the contrary, I am too prideful to let anyone else raise my child. After all, no other human being on this earth could raise  my son better than I could, right? That's how my prideful mind works. Someone needs a slap in the face with a little humility.

Ok, let me wrap this up. In conclusion, I think that every family is different, and that each individual woman should decide--with her honey--what is best for the kiddo(s). I don't think there is a right answer, and I think women should be thoughtful and prayerful when deciding what direction to take.

Right now, Scott and I think I am best suited where I am...a stay-at-home-mama and a (very) part-time student. As Hank gets older and as we add to our family, that could change. I want to be flexible and open to new opportunities and experiences. But, right now, I am loving staying at home with The Hankster.

What are your thoughts? Does anyone else struggle with this? What did you decide? I'd love to hear your thoughts!

Hope everyone had a great weekend!